Coping
by LoveInChains
Summary: After running into a former lover on Horizon and receiving a message from him a few days later, with a bottle of bourbon in one hand and a photo of him in the other, Shepard wasn't handling it well. / Established Kaidan/FemShep


_I can't believe him. I can't_ fucking _believe him!_

Pacing the length of the room, one could obviously see that Commander Shepard had fallen into an angry drunken stupor. Alone in her cabin, a bottle of bourbon dangling from her grasp, she tried to dull the pain coursing through her. Heartache. Betrayal. She took a drink. All of the things she really didn't need. Not on top of everything else she had to do.

_Loved. He said he_ loved _me_.

Kaidan's words cut her deep, like a biotic blade straight to the kidney. She already had a bad feeling about Cerberus, why put forth billions of credits to bring back a grunt like her? They literally rebuilt her from almost nothing, and she knew that the reasons for it weren't good. But – she didn't expect that from Kaidan. All of that mistrust – she was looking for someone who knew her before, someone who'd stick by her through thick and thin, not push her away without hesitation.

And, she got over that. She didn't need Kaidan's comforting hand, he obviously moved on, and she didn't care, she'd do the same. He pushed her away and that was perfectly fine. Two years. There was a chance he fell for someone else, or just got over her entirely. But she was a big girl, not some fawning damsel, his actions didn't bother her.

It's what he did after that set her blood on fire. He sent a message to her terminal, apologizing, trying to rekindle what they had in so few words. It took every ounce of strength for her to not open fire onto the machine. On top of that, he had the gall to imply that their night before Ilos wasn't important to her, like it didn't mean the world to her to be held in his arms in that exact moment.

That's when she promptly locked herself in her cabin, an empty bottle of wine already left on the table shortly after. She was kicking over chairs, her table, she couldn't see straight, but her vision was ebbed in red. Eventually she tripped over herself, falling onto her bed and cursing loudly as the caramel liquid spilled from her bottle and stained her sheets.

"Goddammit…" She said sluggishly, pulling herself up to sitting when something caught her eye.

A picture of Kaidan, something she'd cherished before all this. The promise that they'd be together again, even if it wasn't romantic, she wanted to see him when it was all over. Now the picture, it pissed her off to no end. He didn't deserve it, didn't deserve her affections. And if he was treating her like this now, he clearly never did.

Quickly, she pulled out her pistol to blow the thing to smithereens. But with his moronic face caught in her crosshairs, she couldn't help but let a tear fall from her eye. She didn't have much in her life, her whole family was killed by slavers, her whole squad obliterated on Akuze, her life quickly became the Alliance and she was perfectly okay with that.

But she thought she at least had him. How sorely mistaken she was.

Deciding that she wouldn't grant that picture the satisfaction of a swift demise, not after what it'd done to her, she reached for it. Her booze covered grip slipped several times against the frame until she had it, and then threw it across the room with all she had. She heard the glass crack when it connected, and she couldn't help but smile. _The bastard deserved that_.

As she watched it slide across the floor, though, her eyes followed it. Like she'd always watched Kaidan in the mess when he was pacing, or filing reports, or moving just so slightly to the music he always had playing, it was natural for her. Now, she despised that small comfort she had. Knowing he'd be there, someone to talk to who simply understood what it was like to be a soldier. To be on the front lines and know that you might not make it back.

It was gone.

Feeling the anger begin to well up inside her again, she gripped the neck of her bottle tight and chucked it at the wall across from her, watching the glass shatter and litter her floor with droplets of booze and amber shards. She was still seething, even after that, there wasn't any words left to describe her particular drink fueled rage. She was about to head down to the gun range, put up a picture of the bastard and unload on him, when she thought she heard two distinct _plops_.

Looking at the wall, bourbon dripping to the floor, she noticed that the bottle made impact directly above her fish tank.

"Fuck…" She drawled, picking herself up and making her way towards the mess she made.

The small creatures didn't deserve to experience the fruits of her anger, they'd done nothing to upset her. She crouched down, and as she watched them scatter in fear of the glass propelling down towards them, she couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt. Wiping her hands on her pants, she reached into the tank, clumsily trying to pick up the small shards without scooping out one of the fish.

Eventually, she'd managed to pull out every piece of glass she could see, tossing them into the trash and continuing to watch her fish. They'd hid in the several little decorations covering the bottom of the tank, but there was a sure-fire way to get them to come out. She picked up their food, shaking a few flakes into her palm before crumbling them and dropping them in the water.

Slowly, but surely, they emerged, one-by-one until they were all happily nibbling at the surface of the water. Her features softened as she watched them, she even cracked a lopsided smile. She struggled to stand, maneuvering her way to the kitchen for a towel to clean up her mess. Cleaning up the slop, her gaze was drawn back to the broken frame on the other side of the room. Exhaling, she couldn't help but feel a bit foolish for how she reacted. Sure, she was hurt, but she wasn't unreasonable.

So she and Kaidan were over, she could live with that. Didn't mean she had to like it, but she'd live with it. She finished mopping up the spilt booze and stumbled towards the picture of him. Cautiously she picked it up, letting the broken glass _chink_ as it hit the floor. His face was completely unaffected by her anger, and somehow, in her rage, that made her smile.

"Stupid idiot…" She sighed, cleaning up the glass left behind before returning the frame to its spot on her nightstand. Though, she put it face down, not wanting to see his charming moronic grin at the moment. Maybe one day she'll be able to look at it and not feel the pain. But, for now, all she could do was cope.


End file.
